Silly Things That Might Happen
by Muthru
Summary: Five different oneshots about silly things that might happen. Humor, general, slash, het.
1. Shivers

**Shivers**

**Genre: **Humor, Slash

**Pairing: **Voldemort/male

**Raiting:** M

**Part 1/5**

They were on a recruit trip in the Mediterranean Sea area when Lord Voldemort accidentally heard the most wickedly erotic voice ever. The shivers that sailed through his bald head made him shudder and breath-hiss loudly which caused his fellow Evil Men to stop their journey.

"My Lord?" Lucius Malfoy, who had just escaped from Azkaban, asked worriedly from under his dirty blond hair that Voldemort hated so very much. It didn't do good to have unkempt Death Eaters. It always, always brought down their status.

"What isss that sound, Lucius?" Lord Voldemort asked, starting to glide to the left to get more of that sinister voice. It had some brutality in it; something like raw red meat, he decided.

The closer he got, the more charged his non-existing blood became. The shivers were in full swing by now, and the Death Eaters who tried to keep up with his gliding were quite troubled.

They arrived to a large area, fenced with something metallic, full of people. Lord Voldemort made Wormtail touch the iron fence and after the pitiful man wasn't fried, he himself tried to rip the obstacle separating him from the beastly voice. He rattled it for a while until he got so frustrated that he whipped out his wand, blasted the offensive bastard aside and entered the area.

Immediately, some Muggle men ran towards them and shouted something in a weird language. When Voldemort just trudged forward towards the voice, the now outraged Muggles grabbed his cape, attempting to keep him from the tent whence the voice was coming.

Something worth seriously acknowledging is the fact that you never, ever, not in a million years touch Lord Voldemort's Prada cape!

"You wormsss of the underworld! How dare you, little bed-wettersss, touch me! You mummy's tit ssssucking imbesssiles you are going to die! _Avada Kedavra timesss five!_" Voldemort shouted, leaving five dead attendants with a blast of green light.

When Voldemort and his merry men arrived inside the tent, they had to elbow their way towards the stage. Towards the voice.

"Vhat are theese Muggles on abuut, my Lord?" Tserkov asked as he was stabbed with a flagpole.

"The Hell I know! Do I look like a Muggle to you, Milov?" Voldemort snapped then squashed an elderly woman, making her shriek when her flagpole speared her already fragile heart.

"These Muggles are making me hungry, my Lord, may a have a small snack?" Fenrir snarled and stuck his nose near some Muggle's neck, taking a deep sniff and shuddering.

"No! Everything isssn't alwayss about you! We came here becausssse I wan--" Voldemort raved but suddenly stopped when he finally reached the stage. And what a sight it was.

A creature straight from his wet dreams stood there like it owned the world. The voice that sent immediate shivers through Voldemort's now heated bony body was roaring its power through the tent.

The face was so evil and deformed that Voldemort couldn't help touching his own bald head in the lust of the moment.

_--The true believers  
Thou shall be saved  
Brothers and sisters, keep strong in the faith--_

_--Striking down the prophets of force--_

_--Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell--_

Those words were what magic was to Muggles. Something that drew you in and charmed you with such speed it left your head spinning in euphoria.

From that moment on started the one-sided love story of Voldemort and Mr. Lordi.

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	2. She Is The Man

**She Is The Man**

**Genre **Humor, General, Het

**Pairing** Ron/Hermione

**Raiting** M

**Part 2/5**

A/N: Be prepared because this is totally different from part 1/5.

Ron hadn't been so excited for a long time. Hermione was finally giving in. They were going to do _it._

It had been quite the normal Wednesday morning until he'd suddenly been pushed into a closet after breakfast. It'd been Hermione. First he'd thought he had again done or not done something, but when her wet lips had unexpectedly smacked onto his it'd been quite the different thing.

Hands had started to grope him and small moans had filled the air. This, this _wildcat_ couldn't be the Hermione Granger he knew. But it was.

"Oh, Ronny, I can't take it anymore. I think we have waited long enough to finally take that last step, don't you think?" the Head Girl had asked, dumping her bookbag messily on the ground.

Ron had just nodded and started to zip his black school trousers. He would have been a fool to say no! Although this wasn't exactly how he had imagined their first time, but still they were going to do _it_.

"Oh not now, Ron. I don't want to be late for Potions. Meet me at the Prefects' bathroom at eleven this evening and we will finally express our love," Hermione had sighed.

"Yeah, okay. I'll meet you there," he'd said, nodding his head vigorously.

It was ten to eleven now, and Ron looked at Hermione from his chair to the other side of the room. She was _still_ reading like nothing was going to happen or she had no place to be!

Well maybe she was going to surprise him and wanted him to go first. That might be it.

So off he went, with Harry's Invisibility Cloak, hoping that Hermione had the map.

He arrived to the Prefects' bathroom at 10:58 and was shocked to find Hermione already there sitting on a wide windowsill.

"But... I just... What are you... how?" Ron stammered, but was shut up when Hermione walked to him and kissed him hungrily.

"Let's go in, Ronny," Hermione whispered and said the password: '_tropical heaven'_.

They entered the bathroom, and Hermione walked immediately to the taps to let the warm water run and fill the big tub so they could take a nice hot bath sometime during the evening.

She turned, smiled sweetly at Ron then blushed. Ron walked over to her and drew her into a hug.

"You know that we don't have to do anything if you don't want to," he said, but still hoped she wouldn't say no.

She shook her head and said, "No, I want to. I have been waiting this for so long. All the preparation and planning. I don't want them to be for nothing."

They hugged each other for a moment longer then started to strip. It was a bit embarrassing to be seen naked by someone else, even though they had gone a little further than just holding hands.

Hermione was absolutely beautiful. Her soft brown curls landed onto her shoulders, and the smile he was receiving was heart-warming. He was so damn lucky!

And her breasts were perfect. He was sure that they would fit in his hands as though they belonged there, and her flat belly and her legs and even her toes. Why had he ever thought she was ugly and a stupid know-it-all?

Hermione spread their robes onto the cold floor and settled herself on her back.

_Oh Merlin, this i__s the moment. Don't panic, breath deeply, size doesn't matter, you can do this,_ Ron thought and crawled unsteadily towards his girlfriend. He licked his dry lips and bent to kiss her. It started out sloppily and with some unwanted teeth, but progressed soon, both relaxing. Ron slowly lowered his body between Hermione's legs and when the smooth thighs opened invitingly, rod A and slot B made contact, making them both moan.

They kissed and groped until Hermione declared she was ready to express their love. Ron nervously waved his wand to cast some protection spell.

_Here goes nothing_ he thought, and started to push slowly into his girlfriend's entrance. It felt like forever until he was properly in. He took a shuddering breath and looked up into Hermione's eyes to check whether she was okay. She was apparently more than fine, and when Ron started to move unevenly her noise level rose and rose until, suddenly, he saw through his sweaty eyelashes her face starting to get a grim look. He stopped immediately and was about to pull out when she grabbed him and begged to continue. He did for a while, face buried in her neck swarming with frizzy hair, until her body started to convulse, and out of the blue Hermione was gone and on her… _his_ back was Blaise Zabini.

"This isn't what it looks like. I can explain," Zabini tried to smile, cock to cock with Ronald Weasley.


	3. Someone's

**Someone's**

**Genre **Humor, Slashis

**Characters **Sirius, James

**Raiting** M

**Beta** Sanguiyn

**Part 3/5**

James and Sirius had been sitting behind the curtains on James's bed for an hour, staring at the object. It was mostly pink and scary looking. A Muggle might have said it looked like a dildo, but to teenage wizards it resembled a cucumber suffering from a deathly pink-inducing curse.

"Where did you say you found it?" James asked, poking the jelly-like surface which started to wiggle and buzz, causing him and Sirius to back off with super speed.

"It was just lying there under my bed," Sirius said, and crawled back to the bed still looking uncertainly at the cucumber.

"What is it? I have never seen anything like that," James said, wrinkling his nose and looking at Sirius who was still staring at the thing as though it was going to jump him any second.

"Maybe it's a sword! We could finally have that sword fight you have been talking about!" Sirius explained, grabbing the cucumber and pointing it at James who had got up from the bed, kneeled on all four next to his own and pulled out a wooden sword.

"Sir Padfoot, prepare to die!" James hollered, then tried to stab his friend.

"But, Sir Prongs, that is foul play. Prepare to be gutted," Sir Padfoot shrieked and pointed the pink devil towards Sir Prongs.

In the middle of the awesome battle, the pink thing started to roll in Sirius's hand making the buzzing noise again. Sirius was so disturbed by this that James got his chance to smack the cucumber onto the floor where it continued its merry way.

"Surrender, you worm, and I shall spare your life!" James shouted victoriously.

"Not fair. My sword was much shorter than yours," Sirius said, then chucked the loser sword onto his bed and sat down next to it.

"I don't think it's a sword, James," he said.

Two hours later, they still hadn't figured out the purpose of the rod. Suddenly, James jumped up from the bed, ran to the furthest corner with the pink thing and smacked it down towards the wooden floor.

"Hah!" he barked, and turned to smile at Sirius who was looking at him like he had gone mental. "I know what this is for! It's a cockroach killer. It totally crushed the cockroach that has been living here for weeks," James laughed, wiggling the bug-killer.

Two more hours later, they were again sitting on James's bed. One cockroach down and the rest of them hiding, the killer-stick had no purpose anymore.

"I need to use the loo," Sirius mumbled and marched to the tiny loo connected to their bedchamber.

"Oh man!" he shouted a minute later and came running back to the room.

"Peter has blocked the toilet again! I can't withhold long enough to run to the nearest one! Fuck! I will kill you, Wormtail!" the enraged boy shouted to the skies.

"Why don't you try to open it with this," James said and tossed the pink cucumber to him.

Sirius stared at the thing for a while then sprinted back the loo with it.

As Sirius lay in his bed the same evening, he couldn't get to sleep; there was something uncomfortable pressing his back. He tried to move and finally found a good position until something rolled between his arse cheeks and started to vibrate. His eyes opened wide and his breath shortened. 'What was this?' he wondered. He pushed his rear towards the thing and unexpectedly moaned.

He rose to sit on his bed so he could reach the thing and bring it to view. Chewing his lower lip, he wondered whether anyone would hear him if he just experimented a little.

Reaching his bedside table, he dug through the items and finally grabbed a tube of hand cream.

The first finger almost made him stop the experiment, but he had decided a long time ago that he wasn't a coward, so on he went and finally took the pink cucumber onto his right hand and started to push.

Some very enjoyable moments later, someone jumped on top of James and started to shake him awake.

"What is it, Sirius? I'm trying to sleep here," James mumbled, and pulled the thick cover over his head.

"I _know_ what _it_ is for, Prongs!" Sirius whispered and friskily ripped the cover off James who whined.

"Can't this wait until morning?" the sleepy boy asked and yawned.

"NO!" was the frantic answer.

"Fine then. What is it for?" James snapped, and sat next to Sirius.

"Let me show you," his friend said, and scooted closer to the still sleepy boy.

"Make it quick. I want my beauty sleep," James yawned again, staring at Sirius expectantly.

Sirius pushed James on his back and was starting to pull off his pyjamas bottoms when James' hands grabbed his.

"What are you doing?" he asked, trying to get his pyjamas back from Sirius' grip.

"Trust me," Sirius just said, and flipped the blue pyjamas on the floor.

Their eyes met and Sirius licked his lips nervously. He took a deep breath, spread James thighs and got a little closer to him.

A slick finger found its way into James who shuddered and tried to get away, but wasn't allowed to. The long finger poked deeper and deeper until another was added.

"W-what are you... oh Merlin what is that?" James tried to ask between taking gulps of air and pushing himself ashamedly down onto those fingers.

"Almost there," Sirius whispered, staring at his fingers which vanished from time to time inside his best friend.

The pink cucumber was finally placed on James's anus, and, with a final glance, Sirius started to push it in. James couldn't help arching his back as the invading object entered his loosened hole. Somewhere near his ear he could hear Sirius's voice telling him to bite his fist, so as not to make any noise.

And then _it_ started to move inside of him, buzzing. Sirius was a fucking genius!

Morning came quickly. Peter was just about to leave for breakfast when his eyes caught something familiar near James's bed. His pink dildo! And he thought he had lost it!


	4. Slinky

**Slinky**

**Genre **Humor, Slash

**Pairing **None, minor H/D

**Raiting** M

**Beta** Sanguiyn

**Part 4/5**

His beloved, most precious Slinky had been stolen!

It had been one of those nights with the Dark Lord when nobody was spared from his anger (Potter was being a nuisance again). Cruciatus Curses had been flying left and right, people had been screaming murder, and finally that annoying rat had been killed. Accidentally, of course.

When he had arrived back at the Manor, he had been too tired and bloody to notice where he had placed his snake-headed cane, and the next morning neither he nor the house-elves could find it.

It was a disaster. Even his wand had gone with the thief. How was he supposed to live, breathe and walk? His gout was going to get even worse!

Who the hell could it be? Who would dare to steal Lord Malfoy's property? He was quite sure it wasn't the house-elves, for he had beaten all the information out of them and he didn't have that Dobby in the house anymore.

_Oh, of course. Why__ hadn't he seen it immediately?_ His only son! The blasted boy had had an unhealthy fixation on it since he was six. Lucius had even caught him kissing it while babbling sweet nothings to it.

Where was the runt? He was going to smack the boy's butt like there was no tomorrow.

Lucius ran down the stairs to the main fireplace situated in the sitting room. He passed his wife on the way, without greeting her, and arrived in front of the marble ornament.

He chucked a handful of Floo Powder into the fire that wasn't there.

"Damned! Springle!" Lucius shouted, and in a second a house-elf was standing next to him.

"Light the fire," the enraged blond barked at the sniffling elf who immediately snapped its long fingers. The fire blazed into life and Lucius was out of the house.

Albus Dumbledore had never before seen Lord Lucius Malfoy in a such a state. The blond aristocrat's eyes were as hard as Rubeus's cakes and his hair looked like it was sending electricity all over Albus's office.

"Lucius, what a nice surprise! And how is Tom?" Albus asked, and popped a candy into his mouth.

Lucius left eye started to twitch. "Where. Is. My. Son?" he barely managed to get out.

"Oh Draco? I believe he is somewhere here in the castle. You could try the library," Albus suggested.

_That boy is going to get__ seriously spanked. First he refuses the Mark, and now, this! Whom has he inherited all these bad habits from?_ Lucius raved while searching for Draco.

He finally arrived in front of a very familiar stretch of wall. Slytherin common room. He hammered the wall and waited for someone to come and open it. A first year warily opened the secret door and was at once pushed out of the way as Lucius Malfoy marched towards the seventh years dormitory.

What he found was his son on all four, Harry Potter behind him already inserting _his_ snake-headed cane inside the Malfoy heir.

"I WANT MY SLINKY BACK RIGHT NOW!"


	5. Seven

**Seven**

**Genre **Het, General, (Humor, Angst)

**Pairing **Arthur/Molly

**Raiting** R

**Part 5/5**

After Arthur and Molly had got married, they had immediately moved to the Burrow. The house was old and in dire need of renovation. They had calculated that if Arthur got a job from the Ministry and Molly started her dreamed Healer training, they would have the house fixed within five years.

The only job that was open at the Ministry at the time was a post at the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office. It didn't pay well, had the worst working hours and Lucius Malfoy sneering at you like you were nothing but an inferior worm.

But they managed until Molly found out she was pregnant with their first child. Their only child, if they wanted to live above poverty line. They were happy with their decision and waited eagerly for the birth of the baby.

Eleven months later they decided to start using protective spells to prevent any future pregnancy.

"Are you sure you cast it properly, Arthur?" Molly asked, and patted her belly while holding the hand of young Bill who was about to fall onto his bum.

"Yes, Molly. I was never bad at Charms, and I'm quite sure the spell was one of the strongest," Arthur answered from behind his morning's Prophet.

"Oh, alright. But, Arthur, I think we have to move to potions. We just can't afford to have another one after this. And now, since I can't continue my training, we have to make do with your pay," Molly said, and settled Bill into his feeding chair.

"I know, Mollywobbles, and I will visit young Snape the minute I get out of work." Arthur smiled, kissed his wife on the cheek and left for work.

Molly sighed and started the day, wondering what her relatives would once again think about her husband, whom she loved very much and whom her relatives despised for his love for anything Muggle.

Molly was having one of her darker moments, as she was changing the newborn Percy's nappies while wondering where Charlie and Bill had run off to.

What would it have been like if she had let Lucius Malfoy charm her all those years ago instead of going to a date in Hogsmeade with Arthur?

The two older boys suddenly ran into the room and shouted something about some awesomely wicked dragon sleeping in the woods.

Well, at least she had the good sperm while Narcissa Malfoy had the not so productive one, she thought as she was dragged outside with Percy on her hip to see the awesome dragon her sons had captured.

"I already said I would not have any of those in my bed, Arthur, so don't even think about it," Molly snapped, and moved further away from her husband and the _thing_.

"But, Molly, we have tried everything else there is to try, and this not touching you is driving me mad," the man pleaded, looking like a lost puppy.

"But it's _Muggle_ and you can never be sure about anything coming from them," Molly snarled, remembering the _toaster_ Arthur had shown her _only_ a year ago.

"But all the Muggles are using these!" Arthur tried again, but only got a cold stare from his wife.

"All? And you know this how?" She eyed the _thing_.

"Ah, well not _all_ but still, and I found it in a booklet," the nervous man said.

"You found _a condom_ in a booklet?" she gasped, covering her mouth with her right hand, looking horrified. "Why on earth would you leave something like that lying around the house? One of the boys could have found it and choked on it." She tried to snatch the thing from his husbands fingers and throw it into the rubbish bin.

Why there weren't more Muggles she didn't know, but it had been a mistake to let Arthur talk her into trying _a condom_ which had burst just when it wasn't supposed to and landed her with twins. Twins that were going to be the death of her.

Was she happy, looking like she hadn't slept for years, having forgotten that she ever wanted a career, and with even her boobs starting to look saggy? But Arthur still loved her despite the shortcomings of her looks.

But sometimes, it bothered her to only be the housewife of Arthur Weasley. The mother of five boys.

This wasn't her dream life, and Arthur knew this and always tried to do these little things to make it up to her for her losses while still gaining something for himself.

So what if she didn't have a job at the hospital? She had a full time job here at home at the Burrow which still was in need of proper repair. It was an important job. You just couldn't raise children in a barrel. You raised them with love, as she did.

And now, she had these Muggle pills that were supposed to prevent pregnancy ninety-nine percent of the time. Well, if her saggy boobs didn't keep Arthur away from her, these certainly would, she thought. The green spots on her face were quite the turn off, and the horrible backaches were murder.

And nine months later, Ronald (the one percent) entered the world hearing his mother cursing his father.

"Molly, I swear!" Arthur pleaded.

"And how did we end up the last time you swore something?" his wife mussed, continuing to fold the laundry.

"What did you say? It's hard to understand your mumble, dear." Molly folded the last sheet while helping Ron burp.

"I bought a car," Arthur said and disappeared into his work-shed.

It was late at night when Molly felt fingers under her nightshirt.

"Oh, Arthur, no, we can't," she mumbled, and tried to turn away to her left. But the fingers weren't giving up their exploration, and in the end Molly gave in, just because she was too horny and Arthur promised to pull out before it was too late.

"It's too late now, mister! Too late indeed. When I'm done with this you are going... Argh!" Molly wailed.

"It's a girl, madam," the nurse said, and handed Molly her first daughter.

"You are forgiven, Arthur," Molly said, and asked her husband to bring the other children in to say hi to their little sister, Ginevra.

"Arthur, we need to talk," Molly said, and sat her husband on the sofa near the fireplace.

"You aren't pregnant again, are you? It can't be safe anymore at your age, my love," Arthur said worriedly, taking his wife's hands into his own warm ones.

"No, I'm not. But Charlie is."


End file.
